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What is the point?

What is the point of living?

So we can have a tube down our throat to help us breath and a million and one machines to keep our heart rate stable?  But for what reason?  Our conscience is dead.  So all we’re left with is a few hours of torturing our loved ones until they are “ready” to let go….

This is not how I would like to go.  I don’t want to put my family through this pain.  I want to spend my last “thought” with them, but not like this…not in a vegetative state…

Last night, Aka, Rashmi, Ani and I and Amma went to the hospital to be there for Rosani and Ranu and the rest of the family as their grandfather passed away.

It was hard.

I didn’t know him that well, but it was hard.  So how can anyone prepare for something like this?  The grandma was so hopeful – she kept thinking he was twitching and his eyes would open soon….it was just sad to see that.

Some things are inevitable.

But you know what stuck to me the most?  As we were leaving the hospital… in the next room…there was an older lady…who was also tearing.  It looked like her husband was in bed in the room…and she looked at us with those eyes that held the same pain that we were feeling.  And she whispered that she is sorry for our loss.

I was amazed at her compassion…and her eyes were so genuine… I hope she doesn’t have to go through the loss that we did last night.  I hope her husband , or loved one is okay.

What I dont understand is…how am I ever going to be ready to say goodbye?  And I know I have to someday….

What is the point of this life?  If we end it off with tears….?

I don’t get it.

As humans, we feel too much. We live, hopefully, a very fulfilling life… but then we die.  And we make everyone who loves us cry.

Lately, I’ve been feeling so old.  I know I’m only 26…but I feel empty inside.  I haven’t found someone and built a relationship yet…heck, I haven’t even went on a date for so long!  I haven’t travelled…..I haven’t found the perfect job…. I haven’t done much in my life.  And I feel empty because of these things.

BUT, I am grateful that I have my sisters.  I feel genuinely sorry for people who don’t have close relationships.  They support me through thick and thin… and beyond death due us part…. they will always be there.  This is why I refuse to believe that there’s nothing after we die…?  How could the conscience & souls of my lovely sisters be gone?  Or the love I have for them be gone?  It will always be in memory…these feelings have to exist…beyond the test of time and life itself.

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