You turn me into somebody loved…

I’m writing an EC-05 exam starting this morning at 9 until Monday at 4.  It’s going alright, but I have to get a lot done today and tomorrow.  I don’t want to leave it until the last minute.  This exam is important to me.  I have to give it my all.

I’m listening to ‘somebody loved’ by the Weepies…. Rashmi found this sound.  It’s beautiful.  And I’m working on my exam…while the music is playing… but I’m also sitting in the living room…beside our Chase.  He’s wrapped around my Amma’s blue ‘dragon’ sweater.  He’s not feeling so good today.  He was coughing a lot…and was lying around here and there.  I’m scared.  I’m such a worry wort (is that the saying? lol)… But I love him.  We all love him.  He’s got so much to give…like a bottomless pit of love. 

When Amma was crying a lot the other day when her brother-in-law had passed away… he was crying with her.  You can’t get more beautiful than that!

I hope he’s okay.  I booked a vet appt for tomorrow.  I kept asking her if he will be okay by then.  She said it’s not anything to worry about…but I am worried.  I want him to be with us for as long as shorkies can live and some. 

Life has a lot of downs…. but I guess you just have to cherish all the love and people – companions – as much as you can. 

Rashmi has this really cute video of Chase sleeping to this song on her bed., hheh….you have to see it.  It’s definitely a heart warmer. 

I am so happy he is in our lives.

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life doesn’t stop for you…

My periappa passed away this morning from a heart attack.  I didnt’ know him that well…but I’ve heard stories.  Stories about how he was a nice man.  A nice father.  A nice husband.  And a nice periappa.  When I was a toddler, apparently I only got along with him.  He had that kind of warm aura about him. 

In moments like these…although I have experienced only a few deaths in my life of loved ones / loved ones family members… I look around myself and life goes on, whether I want it to or not.  It’s a sad reality.  But the world still spins….

I am really sad for my cousin and Periamma.  They are somewhat isolated in India.  And my cousin, who is a year younger than me, (brilliant brilliant young woman)…just got a job with a very prestigious computer company…has to go through this.  Periappa had went to Chennai with her so she can complete her training… and then after he had mentioned he had chest pains yesterday night…she told him to go to periamma.  At least Periamma got to see her husband before he left…. but how sad is that?  And my cousin had to take a dreadful 6hr train back to Thiruchi to be with her Amma this morning — bearing the news of the death of her father… heart-breaking…

Life is so short.  And it dosen’t stop for anybody. 

Got a lump in my heart just thinking about how it would be if I were her… it’s already hard as it is to see my Amma cry this morning.  I can’t imagine how it would be if it was one of my sisters going through this right now… And I am going to know each and every one of my brother-in-laws. 

Why do we humans feel so deeply? Love so deeply?  There is so much at stake when we love somebody…. And I’ve got too many of those people in my life. …far too many.  But no fear is big enough to stop loving… And so, we fall into the trap of a destined weeping heart…

I am praying that Periappa rests in peace.  He was a happy father and a happy husband and a happy individual.  I only wish that his soul rests in peace forever….

I’m going to end this post with something that’s been bothering me since the news of my Periappa’s death.  It’s the words of this horoscope lady that I had seen in Ottawa.  She told me and Rashmi that we will experience a death in the near future.  And it’s going to be from someone in India…. 😐

Creepy. 

I never want to believe in these horoscope things…but how did she know?  There is something supernatural out there… maybe energies that some individuals are ‘gifted’ to read? Who knows… ??

Gotta change my attitude…

So I’ve officially moved back home… life here is quite comfortable.   I help out with some chores, but honestly, I’ve got it good.  I get home-cooked meals everyday… and have all the time in the world to figure out what my next moves are going to be.  I’m currently collecting E.I…so not touching my savings.  I’ve got  lot of time to really figure out what I’m passionate about, where I want to work next, what sort of interests I want to explore and cultivate…

This should all be an exciting time for me in my life….. so I can’t seem to understand why I’m freaking out and being so hard on myself these days? 

I feel like if I’m not busy about something – mainly my career – I feel useless, pathetic…. at a standstill.  I gotta let go of these inhibitions and just take that moment to breathe a little… soak in some creativity and fly with it, you know?  I’ve got lots of ideas…. oh heck I do…. so I don’t understand why I can’t take this time to really explore them?  Make them happen?  This is the best time… and I need to step back and relax a little.  I am too caught up with everything around me, but I haven’t looked inside to see what makes me happy. 

It is easier said than done though.  I’ve always been a g0-go-go girl… so I feel a little out of sync spending my days like this. 

I’ve gotta finish this vision board of mine soon…. and start implementing a lot of them.  I’ve already started on some… just joined eXtreme the other day.  I’m going to go buck with the working out… I might as well 🙂  I’m excited for that…because I’ve signed up for a year of this… and I better be in shape by the end of it.  I’m going to try out some spinning soon.  That’s going to kill me…but I need my energy levels back.  And the only way to get fit is to put in the hours and sweat and pain.  I’m ready for that!

As for the guy-thing… hmm… I wish I had some sort of interest… but I honestly don’t.  I know  a lot of nice guys… but I feel like these things have to fall into place… can’t be forced.  It’s gotta be a two-way streak, I guess.  I haven’t met someone that made me want to get to know them so badly.  Not yet at least. 

Anyways, this post is getting boring, lol…but just thought I’d sort out some of my thoughts here.  I’m going to have to remind myself that this moment in time would never come back again… and that I should really enjoy my time off and think of some exciting things to do right now.

Essentially, it comes down to attitude.  Situations are what you make of it.  And I’m going to change the way I think about this time that I have off.  Of course, I’m going to continue with the applications…but also take this time to explore other things. 

At this moment in time, I am content.  Got the ppl I love around me, the warmth of the sun radiating through the curtains, peace in my mind, body and soul…

I’m pumped!

I’m still feeling the after effects of my workout this evening …. all those endorphins swimming in my body….it feels great!  But man oh man, was I pooped midway into the class!

This was a dance funk class, and I was literally DYING everytime we did a segment!  The instructor was hilarious!  He was so into the moves… Rashmi was saying he even winked at himself in the mirror, lol! 

But I love ppl like that. You gotta have hard work…but you gotta have passion in what you do… and this instructor was definitely more than that! lol 

I want to be a zumba instructor.  I’ve looked into the courses before… it might be a great part-time job to have.  It keeps you in shape, allows you to incorporate latin in your workouts and you will have to maintain the health in order to lead a class.  I think it would be fun….and I’m hoping to explore that option in the near future. 

Anyways, I loveee eXtreme and I think I’m going to go CRAZY with these classes!  I gotta get fit….and stay fit this time around. 

The best part is, I get to go to classes with Rashmi and Ani.  Overall, it’s been great…and I can’t wait for us to go crazy for the next month and a half. 

Yup.  Working out definitely feels good…

Vijee

I worry too much…

….and I think I’m going to die young.  Seriously. 

I said I would help a freind out this weekend with a move…but I won’t be able to now and I feel terrible about it.  My lesson for today is to ‘promise only what I can deliver and then deliver more than I promise’.  I think it’s a big lesson to be learnt here.  Although, there was miscommunication and assumptions made, I do feel bad about the whole thing.  And I wish I can fix it, but I just can’t. 

I like being there for ppl…especially if it’s like a move or something where I can lend a hand.  But I won’t be able to this weekend.  Appa and I are moving up earllyyyy Sunday morning to get my stuff.  I’m afraid of the condition of the van.  There’s a transmission problem…. and the tires aren’t that great either.  I’m afraid of the long distance we have to go.  Ottawa is far.  And then to drive back with all the stuff, it’s going to be tough.  I hope we can fit all the stuff in the van.  I honestly can’t wait until this weekend is over.  Moving is a pain in the butt…and not being able to be there for someone is also a pain in the butt.  I don’t like to disappoint… so just feeling low about that. 

But when Appa came home from a long day at work and then after some grocery shopping… (9:00 pm when he ended up coming home)…. he told us about his work situation.  He’s one of those that got hard hit with the recession – working for the auto industry and all.  Now the company he works for is being bought by a bigger one.  I think it might be a good in the end.  But it makes me so sad.  I know he’s stressed out.  And I know he’s so tired.  I look at him these days and he’s just so tried. 

Although my relationship with him has been a rocky one in the past… he is getting older and I just want to be there for him – and make sure he’s okay.   When I look at him and see the worry in his eyes…I feel like my problems are so tiny. 

The new company he’s going to start work for is a lot further…it will take him about an hour to get there. 

There’s a lot of things right now that are so shaky.  It’s a stressful time….for everybody I guess.

Taking a moment to breathe…

I’m sitting in the kitchen table applying for a job right now.  And ocassionally looking at the backyard to see if Chase is up to no good.  I bought one of those metal rods that you stick in the ground and got a long enough rope to tie to his harness so he can roam around in the backyard whenever he wants to. 

I should really get back to applying for this job… I’m almost done.  Not sure if it’s what I want to do though.  I haven’t found THAT job yet.  But I dont’ like missing out on opportunities…so here I am. 

After I officially move out on Sunday…. I’m going to organize everything here at home.  I’ve got a million and one ppl to meet up with and lots of things to do…and it’s honestly so exciting!  But of course, at some point, I do need to get back to the 9-5…don’t I?  But then again, am I 9-5 kind of girl?  What do I really want next?  I’m not sure what the answers are to these questions…

I haven’t even explored my interests in interior design as much as I would like to… and I haven’t taken those instructor zumba courses like I want to.. I haven’t studied for some of the tests I want to take …like my GMATs… but now seems to be the best time for it all. 

I have a white board that hasn’t been used yet.  I’m goin to write down all the immediate goals I want to achieve.  There are so many! I also want to finish my vision board….I’ve got all the material…even quotes and words I want to pop when I see it each morning… so now it’s just a matter of putting them all on the board. 

I’ve been feeling a little funny these days…after the campaign… not sure what this feeling means though?  Am I excited, nervous about the future?  – YES.  Very.  But it’s not just that.  I can’t seem to pinpoint what I’m feeling right now… or the cause of it…. but it’s different.  That’s all I can say. 

Anyways… I should get back to this job application.

Drained…but content.

It’s 12:42 right now… and I have a lot more energy than I did before my nap… or this whole day that is!  I was DRAINED out of my mind all day today.  So I can’t imagine how my friend felt after his 6-month long campaign in hopes of becoming the next Public School Trustee!  I guess with all that excitement and go-go-go yesterday… I didn’t realize I wasn’t drinking any water or eating much during the whole thing.  My feet was sooo tired…!  Made me think about the days my Appa stood/still stands at the gas station making those small bucks as extra cash.  Breaks my heart to think that.  He has always been a difficult person to read… but I’m seeing him in a new light these days.  While I was thinking he didn’t care at all… I think the problem is…. he cares too much.  I think I still misunderstand him…. but I’m starting to see that no matter the good times or the bad… the loves the same.  And he’s just got a whole lot of it.. .just not sure how to show it I guess.   

Bottom line is… I just want him to be happy.  And that is what is going to take me through those days when I think he just doesn’t get it.  Although I’m in some philosophical mood right now…the fact of the matter is…life is wayyy too short to worry about the little disagreements over things that don’t really matter. 

Anyways, so back to the campaign…. I only came into the whole process the last few weeks of the race.  But it was incredible!  I’ve met some amazing individuals through the whole process, all the while, learning how the whole political area works. 

So what did I learn?  It’s a no brainer, but nothing is achieved without hard work.  I get that from this team, especially my friend.  Heck – I just had a small sample of it when I looked at my knuckles this morning and saw that the skin had peeled off and it was sore from all that knocking we did yesterday.  And that’s nothing compared to what the others have gone through.  Although it was tiring work… it left me with a sense of satisfaction. 

My friend…he’s got some great ideas…. and there’s a genuienty in him about truly wanting to implement change in the education system and I love that.  We need ppl like that in this world.  The ones with the heart and soul in their words. 

I think he is going to soar from this experience… I can sense it.  Everyone can about him.  And I hope he never loses faith in that. 

This post seems to jump from one place to another… but I guess there were reasons for why I wrote it this way.  I definitely feel a little lost about the next few weeks….and I’m searching for what I want to keep busy with next.  But it’s not about that.  I actually need to take in a long breath and figure out what and where my next move shall be. 

This is an exciting time in my life…. and although my funds are draining exponentially… this is the time to do it.  Don’t you think?