Meh.

I, for the longest time, wanted to believe that there’s someone for me and I’ll find him or he’ll find me at some point in time.  But, I really don’t see it. LOL.

I’m know I’m not doing anything about it.  I went on one casual “date” (if you can call it that) last year, lol.  How pathetic is that?

Meh.

But I just don’t see it.  And I’m not going to compromise on who I”m going to be with because I can’t find him.  I feel like I’m too old and I haven’t built anything with anyone.  I’ve never loved anyone like that before.  And I’m 26 years old.

It’s hard to stay positive when it comes to this stuff sometimes….

I have so many regrets, to be honest.  But I can’t let myself slip into the past.  Not regrets in what I did or who I was with.  But just wasted time, I guess.

Gosh, it’s really hard to stay positive sometimes.  But I think that’s the only way out of this hell-hole.  Maybe some travelling might do me some good.

I want all my single girlfriends to find love … seems like all our conversations end up at this topic – what a downer! lol

I’m nowhere nearrrr getting married, but, I just want to date.  Meet ppl.  And see if I can find someone amazing in that.

I think I got too comfortable being single for the past few years…pretty much my whole life… that it’s going to be hard even to put myself out there.  I haven’t done that yet.   And I’m really not feeling this online dating thing.  Although, i haven’t tried it yet to be fair.

Just feeling bummed.

Anyways, I’m going to get back to this report…

I was mean today

Hey,

I was mean to Rashmi today, and I feel bad about it.  Really bad.  I guess it was a build-up of a punch of little things….but I wasn’t nice in the end of the day.  I have to learn to word things nicer when I’m made.

She recently passed the term and started her job at the TTC.  It’s supposedly a great job.  But, of course, training and the new environment must not be that fun.  But she worked so hard this term and it paid off, but she didn’t  celebrate her for getting through it.  And she was mopy (is that how you spell it?) with the new job.

I think I’m just iterated that she doesn’t celebrate her for what she’s done.  She’s always worrying about something else or unhappy about something.  But there’s so much to celebrate about her.  So much.  And it bothers me that she doesn’t do that.

But that’s what I, fundamentally, need to change about myself.  If she is the type that needs to openly be mopy/sad about something …then I should let her be her.  Why should I try to tell her otherwise?  I do that with a lot of ppl I care about actually.  I tell them that they should be another way if their way doesn’t resonate with me.  But that is unfair.  I should accept them for all that they are.  Because those that are close to me are special in their own ways…so why am I trying to change that?

Anyways, I feel bad that I hurt her feelings.  And writing here is not going to change anything…but just feel bad about it.

she took the midnight train….goin’ anywhere….

It’s 10:16.  I’m on the GO headed back home after hot-desking at CSI.  Listening to the Perishers… looking out the window, catching a glimpse of the beautiful Toronto cityline….this feels good.  I’m at a good place right now.  There’s something beautiful about the chaotic city lights.  And equally calming…

I don’t know where I’m headed, to be honest.

And it feels kinda good.

But it sometimes feels a bit lonely – I have to admit.

But I’m not going to go there.  I gotta look at the good right?  Why look back at the choices I’ve made…and people that didn’t work out.  There’s a good reason for that.  Things happen for reasons… and things don’t happen for reasons.  And I just have believe – blindly – that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

What IS working out is where I’m headed. No, no.  What IS working out is right now.  This very moment.  And I’m going to feel grateful for everything – everyone – in my life.

Next month is all about getting back on a hardcore working out schedule.  I’m starting to be conscious again about what I’m eating.  Now I gotta get back to working out like crazy.  I’m going to feel my best next month.  And I’m going to look my best next month.

…..

So, while I was waiting for this train…I saw a couple kiss in the corner.  And it just kind of hit me that I missed having someone like that in my life.  I guess when it was in my face (and it really wasn’t), I felt empty inside.  I’m at a weird place about this.  It’s not like I want to rush the process.  I don’t want to meet “my guy” and everything is just dandy after that.  I like my independence – A LOT actually.  But I miss something.  To be honest, I miss that old feeling.  Not the person.  Just the feeling I had a very very long time ago.  Very long time ago.

It wasn’t even real. Ha.

But, it was built from somewhere honest and somewhere genuine.  That’s all I remember…

And I miss falling that hard for someone.  I don’t even know if I can let myself get to that point with someone else?

I’m exploring this idea of online dating right now.  But, there are too many questions, fears, uncertainties racing in my head when I think about it.  Like really? Me and online dating?  How did I let it come down to this?  Or can I blame myself for it?  More importantly, why do I have a negative tone to it? It’s just online dating! It’s really not a big deal, right?

It’s just another avenue.

You know how I honestly think I’m going to meet my guy? When I least expect it. …he’s going to be there.  And I’m not going to know what to do.  But he will.  And he’ll come up to me.  He’ll make fun of me.  And show his interest in me.  He’ll make things comfortable, but at the cost of making fun of me 😛 And before I know it… I’ll just know that this is going to go somewhere good.  A feeling that I haven’t felt in years… and I’ll just know that I can feel like that with someone else again.  And that thought will make me happy.  But the best part is the way he is.

He will be confident, passionate, genuine, comfortable, funny, driven, social, humble, considerate & loving.

And we’ll build our dreams together.  That is how my story will go.

———

That was fun…but I’m at Rouge Hill…which means I should start packing up my things.

But can I tell you how excited I am about the summer?  Lots of great things to look forward to…but best part of it is that it’s going to be A LOT about family.  I love it.  I’m blessed to have everyone I love close to me… so blessed about that! And I want them all to be happy.

These are some of the best days of our lives…

where i want to invest my energy

Here’s the game plan. 

I workout like crazy and have a routine.

I eat healthy! 

I work hard at CSI and seek more opportunities. 

I work harder in developing this consulting role. 

I plan Aka’s bridal shower and bachelorette with Ani and Rashmi.  All about details 🙂 

I enjoy this summer.

I want to invest my energy in the positives… I already made that my new year’s resolution this year….and I’m not stepping away from it.  It’s all about attracting and investing in the right kind of things this year.

someone like you….

I’m listening to this song right now…. and I love it! I love the emotions behind this song…so powerful…and so painful – I love the way Adele sings.

I actually don’t relate to this song…because I never met anyone that affected me so much that I want someone just like them.  I’ve never loved anyone… but it sounds like a beautiful feeling…

These days…I feel, in some odd ways, lonely. But, just very few moments do I find myself feeling this way.  It’s wierd…

I’m so busy these days…and it feels so exciting!  I was at CSI until 9:45ish yesterday night with Gagan…and we both loveddd the space! We got a lot of work done for our very first consulting project.  All the developments with CSI and what we’re evolving into (public health consultants?) is soooo exciting and new! I also just heard from a colleague of mine from Ottawa that HR had contacted her about a reference for the pool I was interviewed for.  I will probably be hearing from them soon. 

Everything about my life is exciting…. and yet… I find myself feeling empty – only a few times… but they exist. 

I guess I like this song because, in some ways, the way she sings carries a sorrow… one that describes this emptiness I feel sometimes….

But I wouldn’t rush this process for the world.  I don’t want to rush and figure out who I’m going to be with — it will come in due time…when it’s supposed to.  I want to be happy while I’m single.  There’s a freedom in being single… and be able to just focus on me…and the ppl I love. 

I’ll find someone when the time is right 🙂

Now I’m going to go back to reading these articles for our social impact case! =)

Ottawa…we meet again…

it’s 12am…and i’m sitting in a pretty sweet condo after watching ‘just go with it’.  I had a pretty interesting day today. 

But what’s more important are the days to follow.  I just read an emailsaying that I had made it into the EC05 pool! Eeekkk!

I didn’t think I would hear back from them so quickly! I am at some serious crossroads right now and I don’t know what to do. 

Am I in control of what happens to me in the next few months?  Do I have a say in what happens? I know I have choices to make…like what city I’ll be working in! But can I STEER these choices in the direction I want?

I know what I want.  I want to be near family and friends…and I want to spend my summer in Toronto. I want to cultivate what’s forming from my experinece at CSI….I want to know the everyday planning and excitement that goes into helping plan Aka’s and P’s big day! I want to work at bringing MnM to the front…. and I want to spend my summer days in Toronto. 

But can I use this pool to find a job there?  I don’t know.

I love Ottawa….I always have.  It feels like a second home here.  And looking around me now, I just feel comfy.  The drive here last night was so chill….except for a lil stretch of snow and rain? hehe.  But it was a familiar drive.  And one of my closest friends is here…which makes the decision to move here that much easier.  This is the same person I clicked with the moment I saw her at Frosh Week back in first year.  Life’s changed so much since then… but I like where we are now.  She is a strong woman….with so much heart…. and embodies drive and success.  It would be nice to be in the same city as her. 

So what do I do?  If I come here…I will have to worry about Chase.  I can’t leave him alone in the apartment anymore.  I won’t do that to him. 

My heart is in Toronto.  So I need to find a way to use my pool to find a position in Toronto.  That is the only way I can optimize everything!

I know that I won’t find anyone here….so that part of my life will definitely be on hold.  Oh well.  I don’t think I’ll leave such an amazing opportunity because I may find someone in Toronto.  I can’t put my life on hold for that possibility.  But there are other reasons why I would want to stay in Toronto.  I need to find a way to be there…but still cultivate my career.  I’ll find a way. I’m excited! 🙂

Sisters bonds into the future

Can it be true?  That the four of us can become distant when we are married and have our own families?  My mom is convinced that this is the story of every sister-sister bond.  But I can’t accept that – and I won’t. 

I can’t comment on any other bond but the sister-sister one…. and I’ve seen so many of them last a lifetime.  And I believe that the bonds I share with my sisters are ones that last forever.  It makes me angry when I talk about this with my mom because she is SO convinced that we would grow distant in the future.  Not because of the way we are.  No, she has faith in us.  But because of the people that will come into our lives.  Her sisters have grown apart because of it.  But I refuse to think that our situation would be the same.  How could it be?!

Two things that are very different from ‘us’ and ‘them’. (1) We’re far more independent women than in our parents’ generation.  So we don’t have to always ‘agree’ with our husbands or feel that we need to.  (2) Our future guys would understand that our sister relationships are important and, in return, be mindful of it. 

I’m going to admit…I do have some fear that things might change in the future.  But whenever my mind goes there, I just convince myself that there’s too much to give up if it were to happen that way. 

I believe that when we’re born, we’re each given special gifts…and how we cultivate that is up to us.  I believe my gifts are my three sisters.  And I’m not going to let petty, stupid misunderstandings stand in the way of something so beautiful.  It is a blessing to be able to grow-up with three best friends.  They are my blessings and that importance will never change.  So why fear at all?