It’s 10:16. I’m on the GO headed back home after hot-desking at CSI. Listening to the Perishers… looking out the window, catching a glimpse of the beautiful Toronto cityline….this feels good. I’m at a good place right now. There’s something beautiful about the chaotic city lights. And equally calming…
I don’t know where I’m headed, to be honest.
And it feels kinda good.
But it sometimes feels a bit lonely – I have to admit.
But I’m not going to go there. I gotta look at the good right? Why look back at the choices I’ve made…and people that didn’t work out. There’s a good reason for that. Things happen for reasons… and things don’t happen for reasons. And I just have believe – blindly – that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
What IS working out is where I’m headed. No, no. What IS working out is right now. This very moment. And I’m going to feel grateful for everything – everyone – in my life.
Next month is all about getting back on a hardcore working out schedule. I’m starting to be conscious again about what I’m eating. Now I gotta get back to working out like crazy. I’m going to feel my best next month. And I’m going to look my best next month.
So, while I was waiting for this train…I saw a couple kiss in the corner. And it just kind of hit me that I missed having someone like that in my life. I guess when it was in my face (and it really wasn’t), I felt empty inside. I’m at a weird place about this. It’s not like I want to rush the process. I don’t want to meet “my guy” and everything is just dandy after that. I like my independence – A LOT actually. But I miss something. To be honest, I miss that old feeling. Not the person. Just the feeling I had a very very long time ago. Very long time ago.
It wasn’t even real. Ha.
But, it was built from somewhere honest and somewhere genuine. That’s all I remember…
And I miss falling that hard for someone. I don’t even know if I can let myself get to that point with someone else?
I’m exploring this idea of online dating right now. But, there are too many questions, fears, uncertainties racing in my head when I think about it. Like really? Me and online dating? How did I let it come down to this? Or can I blame myself for it? More importantly, why do I have a negative tone to it? It’s just online dating! It’s really not a big deal, right?
It’s just another avenue.
You know how I honestly think I’m going to meet my guy? When I least expect it. …he’s going to be there. And I’m not going to know what to do. But he will. And he’ll come up to me. He’ll make fun of me. And show his interest in me. He’ll make things comfortable, but at the cost of making fun of me 😛 And before I know it… I’ll just know that this is going to go somewhere good. A feeling that I haven’t felt in years… and I’ll just know that I can feel like that with someone else again. And that thought will make me happy. But the best part is the way he is.
He will be confident, passionate, genuine, comfortable, funny, driven, social, humble, considerate & loving.
And we’ll build our dreams together. That is how my story will go.
That was fun…but I’m at Rouge Hill…which means I should start packing up my things.
But can I tell you how excited I am about the summer? Lots of great things to look forward to…but best part of it is that it’s going to be A LOT about family. I love it. I’m blessed to have everyone I love close to me… so blessed about that! And I want them all to be happy.
These are some of the best days of our lives…