so everything didn’t start last month…lol

I didn’t get the job.

I’m actually starting a job in Ottawa again…next Monday.  Life is weird eh?  Well, I vaguely remember telling in here that I don’t think I’m done with Ottawa just yet.  So here I am, a year from now…going back to the place of serenity.

Life is definitely weird…and I’m going to go see the Tarot card lady once I get a little settled in.  I’m going to have a positive attitude about it and enjoy my time in Ottawa….but I also want to make sure I come back.  I belong in Toronto and I want to get a place downtown.  So if that’s my end goal…I better work towards it.

Starting Fresh!

Hey! Long time….

I don’t remember the last time I wrote a post….but here I am now….and not sure if my attitude on life has changed since then.

But I’m planning on cleaning my room out tonight..and dusting off my vision board – bringing it back to life! I have no time to waste.  There is so much going on and I don’t want to lag behind.

I have a face-to-face interview next Tuesday that I have to ace! I have to get this job. It is just perfect for my life.  It not only sounds like a PERFECT mix of community and policy….but it’s got great perks.  Like the fact that it is 10 mins away from my house.  I can live at home. Spend more time with Amma.  Make an effort to understand Appa a little better?  Help him out a bit financially.  Be able to make it out to all the workouts after work! Eat crazy healthy! Go to salsa socials on Fridays…. go downtown over the weekends.  The list just goes on and on.

I want to develop Aalam, creative project on the side about dating, and most of all, develop our Perspective Health Consulting Group.

I want to paint and read more.

I want to video tape Amma cooking and teaching me authentic Tamil things.

I want to spend time with Aka and P.

I want to drive Rashmi and Ani back on Sundays and help me them be as comfy as they can be.

I want to hang out with my friends….try different things.

I want to meet people…date people.

I want to save up…but also be able to travel.

There is so much to do and it really would help if I get this job.  No, I have to get this job.

I have a iChat with Gagan at 6:30, so I have to work on my articles and business plan right now.  After that, I’m going to fish out my vision board and clean out my life.

Everything starts this month.

What is the point?

What is the point of living?

So we can have a tube down our throat to help us breath and a million and one machines to keep our heart rate stable?  But for what reason?  Our conscience is dead.  So all we’re left with is a few hours of torturing our loved ones until they are “ready” to let go….

This is not how I would like to go.  I don’t want to put my family through this pain.  I want to spend my last “thought” with them, but not like this…not in a vegetative state…

Last night, Aka, Rashmi, Ani and I and Amma went to the hospital to be there for Rosani and Ranu and the rest of the family as their grandfather passed away.

It was hard.

I didn’t know him that well, but it was hard.  So how can anyone prepare for something like this?  The grandma was so hopeful – she kept thinking he was twitching and his eyes would open soon….it was just sad to see that.

Some things are inevitable.

But you know what stuck to me the most?  As we were leaving the hospital… in the next room…there was an older lady…who was also tearing.  It looked like her husband was in bed in the room…and she looked at us with those eyes that held the same pain that we were feeling.  And she whispered that she is sorry for our loss.

I was amazed at her compassion…and her eyes were so genuine… I hope she doesn’t have to go through the loss that we did last night.  I hope her husband , or loved one is okay.

What I dont understand is…how am I ever going to be ready to say goodbye?  And I know I have to someday….

What is the point of this life?  If we end it off with tears….?

I don’t get it.

As humans, we feel too much. We live, hopefully, a very fulfilling life… but then we die.  And we make everyone who loves us cry.

Lately, I’ve been feeling so old.  I know I’m only 26…but I feel empty inside.  I haven’t found someone and built a relationship yet…heck, I haven’t even went on a date for so long!  I haven’t travelled…..I haven’t found the perfect job…. I haven’t done much in my life.  And I feel empty because of these things.

BUT, I am grateful that I have my sisters.  I feel genuinely sorry for people who don’t have close relationships.  They support me through thick and thin… and beyond death due us part…. they will always be there.  This is why I refuse to believe that there’s nothing after we die…?  How could the conscience & souls of my lovely sisters be gone?  Or the love I have for them be gone?  It will always be in memory…these feelings have to exist…beyond the test of time and life itself.

Meh.

I, for the longest time, wanted to believe that there’s someone for me and I’ll find him or he’ll find me at some point in time.  But, I really don’t see it. LOL.

I’m know I’m not doing anything about it.  I went on one casual “date” (if you can call it that) last year, lol.  How pathetic is that?

Meh.

But I just don’t see it.  And I’m not going to compromise on who I”m going to be with because I can’t find him.  I feel like I’m too old and I haven’t built anything with anyone.  I’ve never loved anyone like that before.  And I’m 26 years old.

It’s hard to stay positive when it comes to this stuff sometimes….

I have so many regrets, to be honest.  But I can’t let myself slip into the past.  Not regrets in what I did or who I was with.  But just wasted time, I guess.

Gosh, it’s really hard to stay positive sometimes.  But I think that’s the only way out of this hell-hole.  Maybe some travelling might do me some good.

I want all my single girlfriends to find love … seems like all our conversations end up at this topic – what a downer! lol

I’m nowhere nearrrr getting married, but, I just want to date.  Meet ppl.  And see if I can find someone amazing in that.

I think I got too comfortable being single for the past few years…pretty much my whole life… that it’s going to be hard even to put myself out there.  I haven’t done that yet.   And I’m really not feeling this online dating thing.  Although, i haven’t tried it yet to be fair.

Just feeling bummed.

Anyways, I’m going to get back to this report…

I was mean today

Hey,

I was mean to Rashmi today, and I feel bad about it.  Really bad.  I guess it was a build-up of a punch of little things….but I wasn’t nice in the end of the day.  I have to learn to word things nicer when I’m made.

She recently passed the term and started her job at the TTC.  It’s supposedly a great job.  But, of course, training and the new environment must not be that fun.  But she worked so hard this term and it paid off, but she didn’t  celebrate her for getting through it.  And she was mopy (is that how you spell it?) with the new job.

I think I’m just iterated that she doesn’t celebrate her for what she’s done.  She’s always worrying about something else or unhappy about something.  But there’s so much to celebrate about her.  So much.  And it bothers me that she doesn’t do that.

But that’s what I, fundamentally, need to change about myself.  If she is the type that needs to openly be mopy/sad about something …then I should let her be her.  Why should I try to tell her otherwise?  I do that with a lot of ppl I care about actually.  I tell them that they should be another way if their way doesn’t resonate with me.  But that is unfair.  I should accept them for all that they are.  Because those that are close to me are special in their own ways…so why am I trying to change that?

Anyways, I feel bad that I hurt her feelings.  And writing here is not going to change anything…but just feel bad about it.

she took the midnight train….goin’ anywhere….

It’s 10:16.  I’m on the GO headed back home after hot-desking at CSI.  Listening to the Perishers… looking out the window, catching a glimpse of the beautiful Toronto cityline….this feels good.  I’m at a good place right now.  There’s something beautiful about the chaotic city lights.  And equally calming…

I don’t know where I’m headed, to be honest.

And it feels kinda good.

But it sometimes feels a bit lonely – I have to admit.

But I’m not going to go there.  I gotta look at the good right?  Why look back at the choices I’ve made…and people that didn’t work out.  There’s a good reason for that.  Things happen for reasons… and things don’t happen for reasons.  And I just have believe – blindly – that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

What IS working out is where I’m headed. No, no.  What IS working out is right now.  This very moment.  And I’m going to feel grateful for everything – everyone – in my life.

Next month is all about getting back on a hardcore working out schedule.  I’m starting to be conscious again about what I’m eating.  Now I gotta get back to working out like crazy.  I’m going to feel my best next month.  And I’m going to look my best next month.

…..

So, while I was waiting for this train…I saw a couple kiss in the corner.  And it just kind of hit me that I missed having someone like that in my life.  I guess when it was in my face (and it really wasn’t), I felt empty inside.  I’m at a weird place about this.  It’s not like I want to rush the process.  I don’t want to meet “my guy” and everything is just dandy after that.  I like my independence – A LOT actually.  But I miss something.  To be honest, I miss that old feeling.  Not the person.  Just the feeling I had a very very long time ago.  Very long time ago.

It wasn’t even real. Ha.

But, it was built from somewhere honest and somewhere genuine.  That’s all I remember…

And I miss falling that hard for someone.  I don’t even know if I can let myself get to that point with someone else?

I’m exploring this idea of online dating right now.  But, there are too many questions, fears, uncertainties racing in my head when I think about it.  Like really? Me and online dating?  How did I let it come down to this?  Or can I blame myself for it?  More importantly, why do I have a negative tone to it? It’s just online dating! It’s really not a big deal, right?

It’s just another avenue.

You know how I honestly think I’m going to meet my guy? When I least expect it. …he’s going to be there.  And I’m not going to know what to do.  But he will.  And he’ll come up to me.  He’ll make fun of me.  And show his interest in me.  He’ll make things comfortable, but at the cost of making fun of me 😛 And before I know it… I’ll just know that this is going to go somewhere good.  A feeling that I haven’t felt in years… and I’ll just know that I can feel like that with someone else again.  And that thought will make me happy.  But the best part is the way he is.

He will be confident, passionate, genuine, comfortable, funny, driven, social, humble, considerate & loving.

And we’ll build our dreams together.  That is how my story will go.

———

That was fun…but I’m at Rouge Hill…which means I should start packing up my things.

But can I tell you how excited I am about the summer?  Lots of great things to look forward to…but best part of it is that it’s going to be A LOT about family.  I love it.  I’m blessed to have everyone I love close to me… so blessed about that! And I want them all to be happy.

These are some of the best days of our lives…

where i want to invest my energy

Here’s the game plan. 

I workout like crazy and have a routine.

I eat healthy! 

I work hard at CSI and seek more opportunities. 

I work harder in developing this consulting role. 

I plan Aka’s bridal shower and bachelorette with Ani and Rashmi.  All about details 🙂 

I enjoy this summer.

I want to invest my energy in the positives… I already made that my new year’s resolution this year….and I’m not stepping away from it.  It’s all about attracting and investing in the right kind of things this year.